THE BALLAD OF ICEWIND DALE

Hark! Two years without the sun,
Aurora's curse had just begun—
The Frost Maiden's eternal night
Had stolen warmth and stolen light.
Seven days of cat food packed,
Our heroes ventured, ill-equipped but stacked.

To Bryn Shander, safest hold,
Whose gates clamp shut against the cold,
Where humanoids were sacrificed
To buy a town some warmth and rice.
The gnomes called out, "Our sled is lost!
Retrieve it through the dwarven frost!"
A yeti rumored, none was seen,
But goblins fell where we had been—
A polar bear we slew with might,
Fifty gold per soul that night.
A ghostly lantern, gift bestowed,
To warn of elementals down the road.

To Good Mead next, where sorrow brewed:
Their speaker stabbed, his blood pursued.
A tall one slew him, cause unknown,
While sacrificed heat lay there alone.
A verbeeg roamed the snowy waste,
A hunter's quest we took with haste.
We found a militia, slaughtered, cold,
Their lantern flickered green and bold.

Then Chingwa, with snowball dare,
Engaged us in the frozen air—
We won! And earned a charm so fine:
Conjuring Animals, three times divine.

Three caves: we chose the goat-marked way,
And found the marauder at his bay.
"I killed him for the mead!" he cried.
Two barrels left—then so he died.
An ogre next we put to ground,
And Spuds stole his balls, profound.

Treasures bright: a moss agate,
A healer's kit, a hunter's bait,
Silvered stones in rabbit hide,
And in a coffin laid inside:
A Pearl of Power, fourth-rate slot,
A Wand of War Mage, +1 hot.
A female verbeeg returned with wrath—
We BLASTED HER from off our path.

Then Allevesa came with plea:
"Run William as our speaker, see?"
A rival sent his thugs to scare,
We caught them, beat them, made them swear—
Their master? Naerth of Targos town.
To Targos then, to track him down.

Fishing piers and knuckleheads,
We slept in Magnus Carlsen's beds.
A window opened in the night,
We chased the trail with lantern light.
A hostage fled, the guards intervened,
And Jon explained the scheme we'd seen.

Naerth offered drinks—mid-shelf for Jon,
The high shelf swag was Terry's con.
He claimed no knowledge of the crime,
We gave a poster, left in time.

A god knocked Jon flat on the ground:
"My master's lost and can't be found!"
To Kelvin's Cairn the trail did lead,
By sled dog north at frightful speed.
Through Caer-Konig, one night spent,
Then up the mountain, on we went.

We spoke with goats, survived the slide—
An avalanche we did abide.
Two cragcats ambushed in their wrath,
We slew them, skinned one for the path.
The mine revealed but blood and bone,
Two survivors, scared, alone.
A sled dog gifted for our toil,
Back to Caer-Konig, off the soil.

There Trouvus, silver-scaled and sloshed,
Ranted tales, his words all squashed.
"A thief! A lantern! Ogre kicked!"
His drunken yarns we left unticked.
We tracked the prints—first small, then large,
An ogre dragged his stolen charge.

A stone door hid a frozen well,
Three cages: ogre, goats, and smell.
A drawbridge spanning blackened pit,
A zombie ogre, duergar grit—
A battle royale, blood and groans,
We won, took gold and shardalin stones.
Dwarvish writ on crumpled scrap:
"Raw material," read the map.
Healing potion, daggers three,
And back to town with light set free.

A wager rose at morning's inn:
Four hundred gold, the Red Yeti sin.
Mealbore offered hand to Spuds—
Refused! We gave him pamphlet duds.
A barmaid whispered (one gold paid):
"East of Kelvin's, in the shade."

Two peryton we put to rest,
A shining spire passed the test.
A simulacrum dwelt within,
Who wished to shed his frozen skin—
Dazan's creation, hollow soul,
We helped him reach his fleshy goal.
A scroll of invisibility,
A humidor of quality,
A bronze key, chest, and minor illusion,
Terry's Oar of Understanding fusion.

Then humans came—we hid in fright,
With Spuds disguised in piteous plight.
"Assassins! Run!" cried Gravel loud,
And Jacobs Bugbear joined our crowd.
(My notes here failed—I laughed too hard.)
The yeti fell, we played our card:
Three twenty-five in gold we made,
Minus the bugbear's finder's trade.

Danica spoke: "White dragon bones
Will craft you potions for the cold zones."
To Wyrm Crag at the Spine we'd ride,
With Willem joining at our side.

A blizzard, then enormous cows—
Teld as axe-beak made his vows
And lured them with berry-hack untold
Toward Wyrm Crag through the cold.

A woman forged a weapon there,
We gathered bones with utmost care.
Then came the Chieftain of renown:
Ogolai Orcsplitter of Thuunlakalaga—
(Chieftain Ogolai Orcsplitter, of Thuunlakalaga,
Chieftain Ogolai Orcsplitter, of Thuunlakalaga,
Chieftain Ogolai Orcsplitter, of Thuunlakalaga)—
The scribe grew weary of this name.

She was, in fact, our Gravel's mom!
A secret hidden, calm and prom-
inent in tribal politics:
Two clans divided, hate-filled tricks.
A ball game caused the ancient rift,
(Avatar plot, no less, no shift).
We played the goat-ball, took the day,
Won a pog whistle for our play—
Level Five! Our power rose,
Two cold-res potions struck a pose.

Mrs. Jackoff led us to the Bell,
(Some bits I'll skip, I will not tell.)
A fuel cell claimed, then bullets sprang
From earth itself with deadly twang.
We slew them all, two guns we took—
Fifty rounds, three-d-six in their book.
Plus three plus dex, plus radiant fire,
A boon to slay each frozen liar.

Teld the Horror—truth revealed,
An eldritch being, long concealed.
Stevens the cat joined our crew,
The ghosts then booted us askew.
Two-fifty gold for alien quest,
Then Teld laced beer to make a jest—
A Teld-clone burst into the bar,
Then vanished. Teld? Cleared by far.
Level Six! Our legend grew.

A druid spoke of full-moon rite,
At Galroot Shrine, that fateful night.
Other druids, deer-companions met,
Their vision matched our path, well set.
A victory royale at moon's full glow—
A magic stair appeared below.

Then hoes attacked! We nearly fell—
But Willem's counterspell, fireball swell
Turned tide of war with arcane grace,
And rope trick saved my hide and face.
(All true, all true, no boasting here.)
They served the Maiden, that was clear.

Inside the temple, puzzles flew,
Brazzers-themed (I kid you not, it's true).
The hatchets came—Spuds laid them flat,
A suicide vest, imagine that.
A "back door" magic, one-way trick,
Outsmart the wizard, slick and quick.
A frost giant fell to our combined,
A path led down to deeper find.

To Good Mead—William speaks the law!
To Bryn Shander then we saw:
"To Sunblight go, the duergar craft
A weapon of mass-murderous draft."

We tried to sell some shardalin first—
They attacked, prepared for worst.
Like ME invasions, vague pretext,
We rolled in heavy, killed what's next.
A Brazzers Episode the Second struck,
(Whatever that means, with our luck.)

Spooky ghost aliens crept about,
The gnome ship people sussed it out.
Eldritch Blast renamed Elden Beast—
Two thousand twenty-four, August's feast.
How long till Devin caught the switch?
Forever, friends. A perfect glitch.

A second Teld popped in, then gone.
Jon now dates an eldritch spawn.
We poofed a dragon—then he rose,
Floating gently like balloon-shaped foes.
Real G's know what must be done:
We rolled up squad-deep, every one.
Backup plan? The Underdark.
We chose to murder—left our mark.

Untouched, untouchable, supreme,
We smashed the duergar dream.
Their Durgar Iron Man stood tall—
We beat the king, we beat them all.

The dragon fled, we gave pursuit,
Through Easthaven's smoldering loot,
Through Dougan's Hole, Good Mead anew,
Through Caer Dineval we blew.
At last, in Caer-Konig's snow,
We dealt the wyrm its final blow.

Gravel, terrified, did soil—
"Very sus," indeed, the toil.
Jerry the frog (green, named with care)
Emerged from somewhere unaware.
Teld was pregnant—then the swap!
To Gravel went the fetal flop.
The mayor, drunk again, was passed,
So Stevens took his throne at last.

A rumble in the tomb-bowel rang,
A frog burst forth with mighty clang.

Zeke begged William: "Discorb me!"
The timeout pulled him forcefully—
But in his place, red fetus lay,
A salamander, born today.
We forced it down the half-king's throat.
Jerry morphed to Gravel (please note).
We gaslit William through the night,
Then William too became Gravel-bright.
We slept. By dawn? One Gravel stood.
Good enough. Adventure: good.

To Bryn Shander back we went,
The woman gave us new intent:
"Find Ythryn, lost in Netheril's pride,
Inside the glacier, frozen wide.
The key sits in the Sea of Ice—
Find Angajuk, who'll pay the price
To row you to Solitude's shore."
The blizzard stopped. We asked for more.

"As a frog," JereMiah did declare,
"I tongue the whale's blowhole there."

Four trials waited, grim and bold:
Endurance—gusts of biting cold;
Cruelty—beat the elders down;
Preservation—earn the wolfish crown.
Zeke strangled younglings (none did die),
Then dueled the alpha 'neath the sky:
Arrow-plus-one, shank, repeat—
Five rounds of pain, a flawless feat.
Dragon Ball Z: to be continued next!
The Villain time-skip left us vexed.

Isolation—Teld's lonely test,
Forever rolling sixes (blessed),
Eventually escaped his cell,
A book of teleporting spell.

The cave of hunger swallowed all,
Evil snowmen heard our call.
Willem summoned Dooster great,
A demon sent up slides of fate.
The eels resisted flame—we hid,
Attacked the eel as Dooster did.
The demon broke, the eel could see
Through fog, like Toph from prophecy.
Jerry built a roundabout,
A tornado spun the eel about.
It bit the only emigrant!
Circle-ception meant we sent—
THE EEL down, down, down it went.

Eggs we found, Teld hacked them all,
Another hole, another fall.
The worst stench ever known we braved,
A purple grove our hunger craved.
I ate the fruit—Faerie Fire times three!
Teld and warlock passed it by.
We slew the drow, took chokecollar prize,
A trophy for Teld's downcast eyes.

The disk appeared, the lost city found,
A force field held the center bound.
The football field encircled us
With lightning—Jerry shat (no fuss),
But I landed a 360 trick shot true,
Earth elemental carried through.
We won the football, took the cup!

The red gate? Portcullis, lifted up
By mage hand's careful, cunning grip.
Inside, a man on rack did flip
Invisibly. For zero reason clear,
Teld SA'd him—dear oh dear.
We talked him round, he joined our team,
His house: stone gargoyles in a stream.
We slew them; empty rooms remained.

The headless golem next we gained—
Jerry once zapped its noggin loose.
Then last, the demi-lich recluse:
Iriolarthas, lich of yore,
Once grand, now half, awaited war.

Two domes we found in frozen waste,
A sacrificial wheel was placed:
Blood-holes filled by Teld's design,
A bunny summoned, soft and fine—
Stevens, bloodlust burning bright,
Slew the bunny on the spot.
Teld was furious that night.

But here — here — the bards lied:
The campaign had not truly died.
For deeper still our heroes went,
And what came next was Heaven-sent.

We found some chairs of curious make,
A puzzle riddle for to slake;
Each chair we placed in proper sit
And lo! the wall before us split.
A great portal opened, vast and bright,
Devouring shadow, birthing light.

But ere we passed that gleaming gate,
A side room called us to its state:
Therein, upon a stone-built shelf,
A magic spork addressed itself.
*Magical staves, a wand of war,
An oar of knowing, paddle's lore—*
We took the spork, and from the bowl
There spake a voice unto my soul:

**"It is I, the Phoon — too much for ZBlock!
I am trapped within this spork.
Thou must learn the way of bhop —
The KNOWLEDGE, the COMMUNICATION,
The VIOLENCE — find for me
The food utensils of each three."**

The oar of understanding — knowledge true;
The paddle of misunderstanding — what speech doth do;
The wand of the war mage — violence's claw;
We laid them by the spork, and saw:

The Phoon awakened, fierce and bright!
And Willem, by some strange right,
Produced a chalice gold as sun —
One hundred million gold, he'd won,
Inexplicably, from who-knows-where —
Fished it from my pants, I swear.
No man could say how it came there.

We opened then the inner door —
And by some terrible arcane lore
A demi-lich burst forth in spite,
Blasted us back beyond the sight,
Hurled us bodily from the room.
(We leveled up amid the gloom.)

Then back we marched, with vengeance shod,
To kick the ass of this dread god.

Zeke's arrows plinked like rain on tin —
No damage done, the lich would grin.
And worse: with every blow he took
He healed, the bastard, by the book.

Willem raised his elden hand
(That beast, renamed, of forbidden brand),
Unleashed the wrath of his upgrade —
FIREBALL! DUN DA NANANA!
*The damage rolls were broken-up,
So we just made the numbers up:*
**Eighty-seven? Forty-two?
Thirty-one thousand? Infinity, too!**

Vast clouds of smoke the lich did belch,
Blinding all in sulfurous squelch.
Zeke's fire arrows — also nil.
He shot him anyway, for the thrill.

Then MOON BEAM struck from realms above,
Soft silver judgment, lacking love.
And here — here — Jerry took the floor:

"GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Jerry cried,
And every party member stepped aside.
TURBO ZAP — electric tongue
Of frog-king fury, sharp and stung —
Arced from his mouth in jagged line,
And smote the lich in coup divine.

WE WON. The demi-lich was done.

Upon the city-island bright
We started up the power core's light —
And lo, the planet's coldest crust
Began to warm, as warm it must.
The endless winter — broken, gone.
The Frostmaiden's grip was withdrawn.

But then, the obelisk we found,
And — being us — we broke it down.
Ten thousand years the world snapped back,
A temporal lurch upon the track.
Each of us, ten years more young —
The bell of time, unrung, unwrung.

Then from the brush a creature came,
A peacock magical by name,
Whose feathered eyes with wisdom gleamed,
Who spake to us, or so it seemed:

*"The year is now negative three-three-three.
Ye are ten years younger. So shall it be."*

And we, in unison, replied:
*"Why on earth — why* — do you keep
The years in negative numbers here?
Is there no positive count, no cheer?
Is zero the future? Are we then
Counting down to nothing? When?"**

The peacock blinked. The peacock fanned.
The peacock did not understand.

And so — bewildered, ten years young,
With phoon-spork, chalice, fireballs flung,
With Stevens purring on a knee,
And Jerry zapping ambient tree,
With Willem's gold and Teld's regret,
With Spuds, Terry, Jon, Gravel, Will, Teld, Zeke, Hammy, Jerry, Stevens met —

They lived happily ever after.